happiness-is-free

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Life is a funny thing isn’t it?
You have the perfect moments and the days where nothing can go wrong. Where sunshine pours out of places where it definitely shouldn’t. Days you imprint on your mind just because they were so damn good.
Then, you have those moments of despair where your soul sinks to the bottom of your boots. The days where nothing goes right and you feel useless and powerless and alone.
Lately I have been veering back and forth on a see saw of emotions. There is so much going on right now and I am struggling to process it all and move forward. The highs have been heightened and the lows have definitely been deepened.
Of course there are lots of reasons for this. Work has been demanding and the stress of extra responsibility is grinding me down. Then there’s the house build and the endless tooing and froing between us and the builder and the imminent stress of applying for finance all over again (please let it work out this time…)
The strain of coordinating a raft of after-school activities (dancing, netball, music, speech and swimming) is also taking it’s toll. And then there’s the blog, the place I love and where I seek solace at the end of my busy days, which is instead, slowly starting to represent even more stress and obligation.
But the highs and lows are most pronounced when I look at my two big kids, Gilbert and Matilda.
Gilbert is doing so well. I know I have mentioned this a few times now but I am so amazed at how settled he is and how mature he is becoming in dealing with others. Transitioning him to mainstream was the best decision we ever made and he is thriving this year, now he has had a year to adjust to the change and find his place at school.
I feel as though I can finally start letting out the breath I’ve been holding in for 2 years now – it seems Gilbert has finally found his place.
On the other hand, I am growing so worried for my big girl, Matilda. On the outside she too seems settled and happy. She is doing well at school –  her reading has improved greatly – and she is going off happily each day and participating in school activities like dancing and netball.
However, a closer look shows that there are subtle signs that her anxieties seem to be increasing on a daily basis. Her sensory sensitivities are becoming more marked – her chewing is increasing, she is struggling to cope with the noise of class, her bursts of anger are growing, her behaviour at home is deteriorating and her toileting issues have returned.
It’s heartbreaking to watch her struggle in this way. And however hard I try to tease out her worries and concerns, I cannot work out why.
It seems so unfair that Gilbert is thriving while Matilda is struggling. The ups and the downs of life can be tough sometimes when it feels wrong to celebrate the highs while dealing with the worry of the lows.
I just hope we can get to the bottom of Matilda’s stress and anxiety sooner rather than later.
All I want is for her to be settled and happy too.
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Linking up with Jess for IBOT.

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