There is a part of me who doesn’t want to acknowledge your existence at all. Who wants to deny that we are enemies. Because we shouldn’t be, you and I.
We should be friends.
To be honest, I don’t think we’ve ever had a good relationship. There’s always been an element of distrust between us, possibly because we’ve always wanted to head in different directions. So over the years we’ve rarely agreed on a course of action and, more often than not, have found ourselves paralysed with indecision instead.
I must confess I do not understand you or what you want from me.
You’re always pushing and pulling and nagging me. Reminding me of past failures and all the things that could (and, according to you, will) go wrong if I choose another path. But you couch them in such a way that I can’t ignore or dismiss your claims because you make perfectly rational sense.
You know me too well – you can see my weaknesses and my fears and you can manipulate me accordingly. I’ve never been quite as good at doing the same to you. But, then again, I don’t naturally think in terms of manipulation or influence over others.
At times, you have guided me well, helping me avoid situations that could have been disastrous. For that I am grateful.
But at other times, instead of feeling grateful for your intervention, all I’ve felt instead is regret.
Regret for opportunities lost. Regret for succumbing (yet again) to your powerful influence over me.
Regret for the innate weakness that makes me doubt my own instincts in the face of your criticism.
I want to believe in myself. I want to truly believe in my ability to make decisions, forge new paths, take a chance and work through obstacles. I don’t want to pay lip service to myself anymore.
I am worth more than mere words. I am far more valuable than that.
But I’m not sure you’ll ever allow me to truly, really, genuinely believe in myself as things stand – you enjoy controlling me too much for that.
So it’s time for me to break free of your influence – it’s time for a change up in the relationship between you and I.
I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to feel obliged to cede to your will.
I want to call a truce. Actually, I want more than a truce.
I want an equal partnership. I want to understand you, to discover WHY you continually try to hold me back.
I want to move forward. I want to back myself. I want to be all that I have the potential to be.
I don’t want you as my enemy.
I want you to be the friend you should be. The supportive friend who will help rather than hinder.
The friend who will back me and follows me through thick and thin.
Kirsty, do you think you can do that? Do you think you can stop sabotaging me – sabotaging us?
Can we be friends, instead of enemies?
I really and truly hope so.
Yes, this letter is to me as I consider myself to be my own worst enemy most of the time. Just consider this a form of overdue, public therapy x
Do you have an enemy? Do you consider yourself to be your own enemy at times?