There’s a little blue house opposite a park. It looks so innocuous, so peaceful, so pleasant. It is decorated in a mix of traditional and modern styles. Polished wooden floors mix with paneled walls and vibrant rugs. My eye is drawn to the soothing colours and to the warm tones around me while I wait, sitting upright, on the edge of the lounge.
I’m called in. Into a neat room, warmed by the air conditioner on the wall and by the mood lighting in the corner. There is a pack of tissues placed strategically on the table next to the main lounge. I sink into its depths, taking a deep breath and willing myself to relax.
Despite the pleasantness of my surroundings, I’m not looking forward to the next hour. It means I have to talk about myself, my worries, my fears. I have to lay my soul bare in front of the virtual stranger in front of me. Who somehow, gets through my barriers and encourages me to share the load.
I am a perfectionist, someone lacking in self-esteem and who is seemingly incapable of asking for help. I am stressed, anxious and deeply unhappy. I want to find a way to reclaim myself, to live again, rather than just merely exist.
I ramble, a jumble of confusing words and half sentences, while my eyes roam the room, trying to avoid the piercing stare of the therapist before me. Despite my best efforts, my eyes keep being drawn to hers. Perhaps it’s a semblance of my normal good manners returning or a desperate plea for help. I really don’t know.
The questions are asked in a low, soothing voice. Sometimes it takes only a simple statement for the tears to come. They fall down my cheeks, unwanted and unbidden. I can’t speak, I’m choking on my own emotions as they rise up from within me.
I take a tissue and dry my eyes, desperate to regain composure. This is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. My eyes are sore, as sore as my soul feels as it is ripped bare. Truths uncovered and revealed in all their painful glory. Reluctant confessions torn from me. Sobs wracking my body.
She gently suggests some strategies and heads off to photocopy some information. I take big, deep breaths, trying to regain my composure before I have to leave the warm room and return to the waiting stares of those in the room outside.
The receptionist has kind eyes. She is wearing the same coat that I am and I make a half-hearted attempt at a joke. Anything to distract her from my tear-sore eyes and puffy face. Although a part of me is sure that she has seen far worse…
I let myself out the door, back into the rain. The coolness of the night is a welcome relief. I suddenly feel overheated and overwhelmed. I’m not sure I’m ready to face my demons but I have to try.
The little blue house twinkles back at me in the rain. It still looks innocuous and peaceful and pleasant. The little blue house opposite the park.
As I walk away I send a silent prayer that the kind souls within it can help me face my demons once and for all….
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Oh Kirsty, I am so glad you went. I know how difficult it is but I also know that it is worth facing those demons and dealing with them. It will be so worth it in the end.
Have the best day that you can !
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. This was beautifully written. I hope that little blue house opposite the park helps you fight you demons. xx
So do I Rhi…so do I!
Beautifully written. I love the image that you have used, too. Thanks for sharing.
No problem Lisa – I’m trying to be open about my battle with anxiety and depression. Hoping sharing will help me as well as possibly helping others.
You’ve taken the hardest step already, and I hope things get better for you. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.
Thanks Lisa. You’re right, I suppose I have taken the hardest step in recognising and acting on my issues. I just need to continue the hard work to make some lasting change – I just wish it was easier!!!
As unpleasant as it can be, I am so pleased for you. The greater the discomfort, most likely will also become the greatest relief. I am seeing this theme emerging strongly today in those who I’ve read, and I’m also there. But I wrote about my dog today because I’m just not ready to write about it. Love and strength to you, K x
I had to write it out as yesterday’s session was a particularly challenging one – why does it have to be so hard? I hope you find some peace too Twitchy.
Thinking of you. So pleased you are getting help to get you through this. Raych x
Thanks Raych – lovely to have the support of my awesome bloggy friends!
I am sure it is difficult at first but I am so proud of you to take that step. Sending you a big hug!
Thanks so much Rina – I’m holding onto all the hugs and support, I’m sure they will help me through!
Congratulations on taking steps towards feeling better. I am a firm believer in the sentiment that nothing changes if nothing changes. And it sounds like you are taking really positive steps in a new and different direction that will see you reap the rewards of your bravery
I so hope so Katy – here’s hoping…
Be brave when facing those demons Kirsty, it will be well worth it to “kick them to the curb”, I could go on with a heap of encouraging quotes but I will just say, I have been through a bit and come out a much more confident person in the end. Just know you are fantastic just the way you are and only you can take the steps to a happier you, be proud of yourself for taking the first steps.
Having read your post earlier this evening I am amazed at your strength and resilience and positivity. Thanks for your words of encouragement Kirsty!
Sorry to hear you have been struggling. Good on you for seeking help. I wish you all the best with your recovery x
Thanks so much – I know I will be okay, I just need to do the hard yards first.
The first step is the hardest. Now it’s done.
This is a beautifully written post, K.
Lots of good vibes to you X
Thanks Robo – the first step was incredibly hard and each step is still not easy but I’m becoming more confident that I will get there, one day…
Oh Kirsty… I’m not entirely sure what to say! I was captivated by the imagery and beautiful writing, but also discouraged by hearing the level of inner turmoil you are facing.
You are so brave though, for entering that little blue house. Hope you heal quickly and wholly. xx
Thanks Jess. The words just came and poured out of me – that definitely does not always happen! I’m feeling more positive this week but it will not be an easy road to travel, but I’m determined to come through, in the end. Thanks for your support.
Oh Kirsty that was so beautifully written, but my heart breaks a little for you. I bet it must be so hard to put your heart/soul out for someone else to see. Hugs to you and thanks for sharing, you always have my love and support xx
You are such a great mate Em – thanks for being here (virtually!) for me, it’s much appreciated.
I have still yet to go to a therapy session without crying. I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.
Sending you big hugs, my dear x
I don’t think it’s possible either – glad I’m not alone in that Grace!
Let the tears flow, holding them in traps the pain within. Sending love for your journey that must be travlled, as at the other end of the tunnel there is light, laughter and fun. Good luck and I wish you speedy healing. xxxx
Thanks so much Nikki – your support and kind words are really appreciated!
Sending you ((hugs)) and love xx
Thanks Beck – I can always do with more hugs – thanks mate!
I can not imagine how hard it must be to tell a stranger your innermost thoughts. Especially when those thoughts terrify you. I wish I was as brave as you. Your courage and honesty is inspiring. And as for your writing – beautiful. This is my favourite post of the day. Good luck to you on your journey.
Thanks for your kind words Renee. It was a surprisingly easy post to write – it poured out of me after my last visit, which was particularly hard. Sharing these things with the therapist can be hard but it’s also strangely freeing. I hope that means I’m making progress…
I’m sure it does 🙂
Kirsty, not only are you being brave doing this for yourself, but also for sharing here. I’m hoping that you find what it is that you need, and send you much positive energy and warm thoughts x
Thanks Lisa – that’s exactly what I need right now!
Therapy can be so helpful and so healing, in time. I definitely found that ‘the truth wills et you free. But first it will make you miserable.’
Why are the right things always hard to do and often so painful? So glad you have found that the truth set you free – hoping it can eventually do the same for me as well Seana!
I hope now, talking about it has put it in its place. I am a firm believer that understanding what and why we do/think what we do is half the battle.
That’s a really lovely post.
I can totally see why this is your favourite post. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely, you are all kinds of awesome